Premiership round up - Week 14

Portsmouth v Man Utd - 1:4 - Avram Grant (ex-Chelsea) took over from managerial casualty, Paul Hart - no chance for Portsmouth now, thought Your Ear. However, Pompey got the bit between their teeth early on; Dindane missed three chances before United scored from a penalty (Rooney, 25). Within 7 minutes Vidic engaged in a bit of shirt-pulling and Boateng scored from a penalty at the other end. Rooney got his second from open play near the start of the second half and his hat-trick from another penalty (54). Giggs made it four from a free kick (87), scoring his 100th Premier league goal for ManU the day before his 36th birthday. An example to us all. Portsmouth (Utaka) nearly scored a spectacular goal in extra time, but this was not an auspicious debut match for Portsmouth’s new manager. On the other hand had Pompey taken one of their opportunities in the first half it might have led to a different result. No, that’s wrong, it wouldn’t!

West Ham v Burnley - 5:3 - There were early chances at either end but West Ham began to score freely after 18 minutes (Collison from Parker’s quickly taken free kick). Junior Stanislas squeezed the ball home for West Ham’s second (34). Then Cole scored from a penalty (43). In the second half Franco gave Jensen no chance to save his header from a free kick (51). Finally Jiminez scored from a penalty (64) after Jensen overcommitted himself. At which point, 5:0 up and cruising, West Ham fell fast asleep. Fletcher retrieved one for Burnley (68) with a simple tap home from a cross that sliced the Hammers’ defence in two. Instead of waking up West Ham started to snore more deeply and Burnley did exactly the same again (Fletcher, 74). Burnley’s Caldwell was sent off, but Burnley still got a third goal (Eagles, 90+5). West Ham score many goals (9th best ‘goals for’ in the Premiership) but they also bleed them. Fortunately for the Hammers, so do Burnley, particularly away. Zola celebrates a 3 pointer, at last.

Aston Villa v Spurs - 1:1 - Agbonlahor bundled the ball home after 10 minutes after Spurs missed several attempts. Villa hung on for an hour or so under severe pressure before Dawson equalized (77). St Hal seemed less pleased with a point than Martin O’Neil - ‘We should have won the game, we had 14 shots to their 1,’ (actually it was 15 to Villa’s 9, so St Hal was not infallible on this occasion). Spurs are a stronger side than Villa going forwards, but their defence remains questionable, whereas Villa’s strengths are the reverse. So, a point was well won by both sides.

Man City v Hull - 1:1 - Robinho put himself about a lot with some good looking but fruitless moves. Finally, after many attempts, Wright-Phillips got City ahead by a deflected shot at the end of the half. Bullard crashed home a disputed penalty with 9 minutes to go, then extracted the Michael from his manager in the celebration (the Hull players sat in a circle, mimicking the telling-off Phil Brown gave his players the last time they played away to City). This was the 7th draw in a row for an unconvincing City (and this last sentence is becoming a familiar cut and paste job for Your Ear). City are failing badly in that they have gone ahead in their last four games only to concede a draw. Mark Hughes is beginning to exhibit that look of haunted fatigue that soon-to-be ex-managers often display.

Wigan v Sunderland - 1:0 - Wigan did not look or play like a side that had been thumped right royally the week before. Having said that, Bent nearly nicked an early goal, and (in Your Ear’s view) should at least have won a free kick near the goal line by having forced a pass back to the keeper by Boyce. This game could hardly be described as lively, although Wigan’s Scotland was denied by the post. But after much to-ing and fro-ing, Rodallega broke the deadlock with 14 mins to go. Well done, Wigan, after last week's hammering.

Fulham v Bolton - 1:1 - Bolton went ahead after 35 mins (Klasnic), then withstood everything Fulham threw at them until finally Duff equalized (75). Bit of a yawn, this match.

Blackburn v Stoke - 0:0 - Stoke had the better chances in the first half but there was no score. Sitters were missed at either end and the game ended in a goal-less draw. Neither this nor the Fulham v Bolton game proved to be inspiring matches, but then, they can’t all be 9:1, can they?

Arsenal v Chelsea - 0:3 - Arsenal started the game below full strength, Van Persie is injured and out for several months, Diaby and Bendtner were also missing. The Gunners failed to take a couple of early chances but Chelsea looked strong from the outset. An excellent Ashley Cole pass was seized upon by Drogba, who scored a very good, flicked-on goal (41). A little later, following another piece of cleverness, Chelsea pushed the ball forward awkwardly into Arsenal’s box, forcing an o/g by Vermaelen (45). Arshavin had a goal disallowed and the game was wrapped up by a great free kick by Drogba (86). Chelsea were too good for Arsenal today. They have the most parsimonious (some would say stingy) defence in the Premiership (only 8 goals conceded, 4 better than the next stingiest, ManU on 12). And they were far better than the Gunners up front. Drogba and Anelka are both immensely strong, in any way you like to see it, either on a physical or skill basis. Wenger was quietly incensed, with some justice, on the subject of the disallowed Arshavin goal. Arsene thought the linesman called it rather than the referee, but in any event on being told that the goal was judged to be unfair play (Eduardo’s foot up on Cech’s hand) commented that he had reviewed it and - ‘what is wrong (sic), because I’ve watched that four times and he (the referee) cannot say that (it was unfair) because it’s not true… …you can’t believe referees any more if they tell you things like that.’ He had a point, but on the other hand Anelka was fouled and should have had a penalty early on, so the 3 goal margin might still have applied. Ancelotti seems to be supremely confident, without (to his credit) the least trace of smugness. So, Arsenal failed to do ManU the favour of beating Chelsea before Christmas. Now, as pundit Mark Lawrenson says, January becomes important, with several Chelsea players away for the Africa Cup.

Everton v Liverpool - 0:2 - Mascherano got a lucky deflection early on (o/g, Yobo, 12). Everton looked aggressive and intent but Bilyaletdinov’s miss of a fairly easy chance was typical of their poor fortune. Jo scored, and was given offside, but even though Everton were making all the plays (Jo given offside again) they could not break down Liverpool’s defence-orientated strategy. The second half saw lots of rash challenges by both sides and Reina made a couple of fine saves to deny Everton. It was not Yobo’s day, after a defensive error (by Yobo) Kuyt scored to clinch the game (80). Moyes comment - ‘The difference between the teams was a bit of luck,’ was a fair synopsis. A bad season thus far in scouse-land, though, for both clubs, particularly those in blue.

Wolves v Birmingham – 0:1 - Bowyer scored a cheeky goal with a very well-placed shot after just 3 minutes in this derby. Wolves exerted themselves manfully but to no avail and the following 87 minutes presented relatively routine stuff. Bowyer stood out as the best player on the pitch with one or two other efforts which did not quite deliver. Watching such games shows the gulf in quality between the lower-ranked sides and the top three or four clubs, which is huge. Birmingham are going to need a very large purse to bridge the gap. Wolves just have to grit their teeth, gird their loins, and get on with it. Or maybe they should gird their teeth and grit their loins…

Motoring News Roundup - In a week when Tiger Woods is under investigation for ramming a tree, a German motorist who had just seen the latest Harry Potter movie mistook an underground train tunnel for a road and drove 200 metres along the tracks before realizing what he had done, we turn to the following driver story of the week - Police 'Tase' Great-Grandma - According to the BBC great-grandma Kathryn Winkfein was stopped by deputy sheriff Chris Bieze for driving at 60mph in a 45mph zone in her white pick-up while shopping in Austin, Texas. She resisted arrest and became argumentative. A police video then shows Mr Bieze push Mrs Winkfein before pointing the taser gun at her. ‘If you don't step back, you're going to get tased,’ Mr Bieze said. ‘Go ahead, tase me. I dare you,’ she replied. He did, and the video shows Mrs Winkfein hitting the ground and moaning in pain. This is what gets Americans a bad name, great-grandmas who speed whilst out shopping. Your Ear congratulates the Texas constabulary and their 'zero tolerance' policy to stamp out such anti-social behaviour. This is how the west was won.

Story of the Week (to keep us in perspective) - Vatican Grooves - Pop Pope - The Vatican reacted swiftly to last week’s report (Japan’s PM In Chart Bid), with news that ‘top of the popes’ Benedict XVI could be the big banana in music this Christmas through recordings of his speeches and songs set to original classical music compositions. The music’s three composers, a British agnostic, an Italian Catholic, and a Moroccan born Muslim, say the album's purpose is to promote a communal, worldwide experience, rather than to spread a Catholic message. Albums by acts like The Priests and Monks have sold well over the years and even if a small percentage of the world’s one billion Catholics buy the CD it will be a massive hit. The album will be released on Geffen Records, which has published work by Guns N' Roses, Aerosmith, Joan Rivers, Manowar (Louder Than Hell), Madness, Death Angel, Gutterboy, The Simpsons, Pariah, Eagles (Hell Freezes Over), Snoop Dog, The Cure, Kardinal Offishall, but not The Damned. Geffen Records boss Colin Barlow told Sky News: ‘The beauty of this is people first hear this and say 'no way'. Then it actually starts to dawn on people that it's a really amazing record. I think people will be really blown away when they listen to it.’ Not literally, Your Ear hopes.

Football Headlines – Shirt-Pulling Solution - ‘Why allow this crazy practice?,’ says top fashion designer. ‘It is sooo silly and unnecessary. I have designed special paper-based clothing. It looks good but tears easily, so when a shirt is grabbed a handful comes away and sticks to the offender’s fingers. The evidence of foul play will be clear for all to see, and as the shirts are disposable they will save on laundry bills. And they are recyclable. Voila!’ Several namby-pamby, whinging clubs are known to be interested. Meanwhile, the FA continues to fail to answer why they appear to condone shirt-pulling as part of the sport. If they wanted to eradicate it they could - players get an automatic yellow for taking their shirts off to celebrate, why not reward a handful of shirt with the same? Ferguson Misquoted – When he said (discussing Pompey’s position in the league a week before the match) ‘that Portsmouth’s all heart and it seems nothing can be odder,’ what he actually said was ‘that Portsmouth’s Paul Hart and his team are nothing but cannon fodder.’

The Ear – all the news that's fit to spout.