Premiership round up - Week 15

Arsenal v Stoke - 2:0 - Arsene Wenger will remember his 500th Premier League game as Arsenal manager (and Arsenal's 100th game at the Emirates - unbelievable, isn't it?) with some fondness as it ends a three match losing streak and (perhaps belatedly) puts the Gunners back on the title-hunt path. And he has Arshavin to thank for it, as the Russian tore Stoke apart with ease to open the scoring (26), although other players might also have scored for Arsenal. Stoke gave the Gunners a few worrying moments, but Arsenal sealed their victory when Aaron Ramsey thumped one home from the edge of the box (79). The win, according to Wenger, helps Arsenal 'start again,' although Arsenal's squad suffered more injuries to Eboue, Gallas and Rosicky. As an aside, Arshavin was quoted as saying that Arsenal need some taller players (they should have kept Adebayor, then). What is he talking about? According to the web, Arshavin himself is somewhere between 1.69-1.72m (around 5'6"-5'8" for those unable to cope with metric). Your Ear thinks he is probably about 4'8", but who cares? - Arshavin is the perfect advertisement for the smaller player.

Aston Villa v Hull - 3:0 - Early Villa pressure finally led to Milner providing for Dunne, who hammered the ball into the roof of the net (13). Unfortunately, shortly after, Hull's Jimmy Bullard limped off with a painful and possibly serious knee injury. Milner doubled Villa's lead with an opportunistic goal, lobbing the Tigers' keeper from 25 yards (29) and substitute John Carew finished off the Villa score line from the spot after Duke brought down Ashley Young (88). The victory was only Villa's second win in seven league matches and Martin O'Neill was very satisfied with his team's performance, which rekindles top 4 aspirations. Hull's defeat ends their run of four unbeaten matches and brings the relegation zone within just 3 points (again). Despite Phil Brown's protestations, the Bullard injury is a great blow to Hull, who Your Ear now forecasts will experience a reversal in fortunes.

Blackburn v Liverpool - 0:0 - Dour, resolute Blackburn defending kept Liverpool at bay for the entire match. Both sides had their chances but Blackburn’s were possibly the better ones. None were taken. To say this is not proving to be Liverpool's season would be a gross understatement, Rafa's side is seventh in the table and it's hard to see how they might finish higher than fifth, even though they might go on one of their famous '20 matches in a row without a defeat' runs. Although Benitez was understandably frustrated with a draw the result delighted Sam Allardyce on his second day back at work after heart surgery. Gerrard played well (on his 500th appearance for the club) but Liverpool also need Torres, and badly!

Man City v Chelsea - 2:1 - After so many uninspiring performances recently City finally came up trumps with this deserved win against Chelsea. It brings the season back to life, and is the best Christmas present City could have given Premiership fans (except, of course, to those who support the Blues). Chelsea got the first goal (o/g, Adebayor, 8) but Adebayor equalized off a Wright-Phillips' shot which was half-blocked by Richards (37). Tevez literally put the boot in with a 20-yard free-kick after 56 minutes to gain the lead for City. Chelsea might have earned a draw from a late penalty but Given was the hero of the day, saving from Lampard. This huge result means that Mark Hughes can breathe a sigh of management relief. Ancelotti is a fan, anyway - he thinks Hughes is 'a good coach'. Wonder if coach means manager, in Ancelotti-speak.

Portsmouth v Burnley - 2:0 - Avram Grant got his first victory with Pompey following a difficult week off the pitch, with Portsmouth's players paid their latest wages only after the club took a loan. Portsmouth were awarded a bad penalty in the 31st minute but Dindane's feeble miss (to Grant's total frustration, as Boateng should have taken it) was fair justice. Other than that Burnley bossed the first hour but their abysmal away record continued when Pompey went in front (Hreidarsson, left foot, 65). Dindane made amends for his penalty attempt and secured victory with a header (84). It's easy to congratulate the goal scorers, but Portsmouth should really thank Kanu, who came on as substitute (and goal creator ) and their Bosnian keeper, Asmir Begovic, for this win.

West Ham v Man Utd - 0:4 - ManU have obviously decided to celebrate Christmas early, and overpowered the Hammers in the second half to keep the pressure on Chelsea. West Ham might have scored (Collison) after a slapdash back-pass by Giggs (must be feeling his age, after so many fine performances recently). But after an indifferent first half, with West Ham defending well, Scholes started the rout when he crashed the ball home (Ferguson - 'a wonderful hit') with the last kick of the half. Giggs set up Gibson to crack in a second (61) then Rooney assisted Valencia for ManU's third (71), before Valencia crossed a minute later for Rooney to finish off the Hammers. Sir Alex is now having to deal with multiple injuries, forcing some of his team to play outside their usual position, particularly Carrick. But one of United's strengths over the years has been an ability to do just that. Zola - 'The first goal changed the story of the game. We were defending well and they didn't create much. We have no complaints - our players gave everything. When you play the champions it's always difficult and if you give them something they will exploit it. The second goal killed us.'

Wigan v Birmingham - 2:3 - A good second-half comeback gave Birmingham their first away win and stretched their unbeaten league run to six games. N'Zogbia's curling effort after good service from Scotland put Wigan ahead (33), but Birmingham came back after half time and Larsson converted a pair of free-kicks (61 & 72) either side of a breakaway goal by Benitez (66). Substitute Jordi Gomez pulled one back for Wigan (89) with a late free-kick. Birmingham's third successive win promotes them to eighth in the Premiership. Manager Alex McLeish - 'We're showing we belong in the Premier League, the players are entitled to feel massively confident because they've earned it.' Your Ear wonders how many of these players will still be there at the end of January if Birmingham go on a transfer spending spree. Martinez - 'It is difficult to explain how we lost the game, we created chance after chance and dominated the first half.' Your Ear would helpfully advise Roberto that Wigan lost the game because Birmingham got more goals.

Wolves v Bolton - 2:1 - Craddock put Wolves ahead with an early volley (3) although he was offside. Milijas got a second after the break with a great 30-yard strike (63). Elmander pulled a goal back when he bundled the ball in from a corner (79), but Wolves survived a tense last few minutes to earn a deserved victory. Wolves' third league win this season leapfrogs them above Bolton in the table. McCarthy was delighted with his 'massive' win, and honestly admitted 'The goal was offside but it was my turn for a bit of luck.' Bolton’s manager Gary Megson, annoyed that his team have yet to keep a clean sheet this season, said 'We have talked about the fact that nine of their 11 goals have come from set-pieces so it's soul-destroying when they score after three minutes from a set-piece. Defending that first set-piece we were poor but nowhere near as poor as the linesman. It was a poor, poor decision. In the last 20 minutes you've seen the away team take the game to the home team. We created a lot of problems, created a lot of chances and they couldn't get out of their half yet we left it too late.' Which was also honest.

Fulham v Sunderland - 1:0 - Zamora's header in the seventh minute put Fulham ahead and it could fairly be said that Fulham owned the first half, although they could not increase their lead. Sunderland, who have only picked up four points away all season, were the better side and made it a good contest in the second period, but could not get back on terms, Bent particularly missing a couple of good chances. Roy Hodgson (on Zamora's unexplained and apparent annoyance at having scored) - 'He can be as aggravated and as angry as he likes, as long as he keeps putting the ball in the back of the net he can rail at the world for all I care.' Steve Bruce - 'We're too easy away from home… we've got to get the monkey off our back.'

Everton v Spurs - 2:2 - Spurs looked the business early on, but they seem to need a lead of at least 3 goals in order not to succumb to nerves. In the early part of the game Crouch could not capitalize on a Lennon pass and Defoe also missed a couple of chances, although Everton had squandered their own opportunities. Spurs (Defoe) broke through in the 2nd minute of the second half and Dawson (59) got a second with a good plunging header. Kranjcar nearly scored a third from a free kick and Crouch might also have added to Spurs' total but missed. Then the heebie-jeebies crept in. Saha gained a foothold for Everton (78) and nearly got another from a great overhead kick attempt. Spurs definitely looked skittish and unsettled, and proved to be so when Cahill equalized with 4 minutes to go. Fate extended Spurs a lifeline when Palacios was flattened in the box and stretchered off in extra time. But Defoe (unusually given his recent form) missed from the penalty spot ('It wasn't to be,' said St Hal, shrugging his saintly shoulders). Spurs should have won this game but Everton’s perseverance served them well for their point.

Boring But Not Completely Uninteresting Trivia - Defoe was not alone in missing a penalty this week, and was in good company. Five penalties were awarded in the last ten Premiership matches. John Carew scored his for Aston Villa, but, besides Defoe, Lampard, Fabregas and Dindane all missed. So, 4:1 in favour of the 'missed penalty fairy'. Conversely, a good week for keepers.

News of the Week (to keep us in perspective) - Royal Harpist Convicted - Although found not guilty of burglary a former royal harpist battling a drug addiction has been convicted of handling stolen goods. Possibly not the right instrument to play, given her potential future in the hereafter.

Football Story of the Week - Viagra For England At World Cup? - A sports scientist says giving England players Viagra at next year's World Cup in South Africa would help them cope with altitude by boosting lung capacity. He said: ‘It's scientifically proven that the process of how Viagra works in the body, by enlarging the blood vessels (Ed. - Oh, is that what it does!), can improve performance of some athletes. Also known as sildenafil, it's been used by football teams in South America and some cyclists because it's not a banned substance.’ Your Ear (who, as soon as he reads the words ‘scientifically proven’ starts rooting around for the emails which might show otherwise) would question why, if it enhances performance, the substance is not banned. However, given the nature of the drug, here are some other questions:
a) will it only be lungs that are ‘boosted’?
b) and will those taking the drug do so purely to boost their lung capacity? (pull the other one)
c) when would players take it? (surely not the night before a match)
d) will it help out-of form strikers to score more? (Ed. - please, readers, this is a serious issue)
e) will it affect post-goal celebrations? (let’s hope not, things could get ugly)
f) if Viagra were to sponsor a team what would their logo be? (Ed. - answers on a postcard please).

Second Best Football Story of the Week – Season Of Goodwill? - James Beattie's future at Stoke is in doubt following a bust-up with potentially potty Potters’ manager, Tony Pulis at Arsenal. Pulis is alleged to have tried to head-butt Beattie after an argument. The story goes (allegedly) that after Saturday’s 2-0 defeat Pulis told his players to report for training on Monday. Beattie reminded Pulis that he had given them the day off (Monday being the day after the team’s Christmas party in London) and protested when Pulis would not change his mind. At which point, witnesses say, Pulis unsuccessfully tried to butt Beattie, who defended himself. The club refused to comment but confirmed that players were expected to report for training. The failed attempts by Pulis to hit Beattie show he is not a seasoned professional Premiership manager. He needs to attend Sir Alex's classes on 'how to hit a world class footballer with a well-aimed boot'.

Funny Football Story of the Week - Goalkeeper Strikers – It’s well known that goalkeepers often score goals. Go here for a few videos on goal-scoring keepers, particularly the first one on ex-Hamburg and Bayer Leverkusen keeper Hans-Jorg Butt. This shows him scoring from the penalty spot, then taking too long in celebrating on returning to his own goal, during which time the opposition kick off and lob him. http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/football/early-doors/article/217715/

The Ear – all the news that's fit to spout.