Premiership round up - Week 13

Liverpool v Man City - 2:2 - Both sides took to the field of play hoping to finish in the league’s top 4, but lately both have faltered. Liverpool, who nearly scored early on, maintained the initiative but the Kop had to wait until the second half, when Skrtel beat Adebayor (defending in his own box for once). Adebayor got his own back 19 minutes later, scoring with a free header. Ireland put City ahead after some good work by Tevez, but Benayoun levelled the match a minute later. It was all Liverpool until the end but they could not clinch a winner. Sixth draw in a row for an unconvincing City, although Liverpool at home were never going to be easy opponents for them.

Sunderland v Arsenal - 1:0 - Arsenal sometimes make football look an easy game to play, moving the ball with a tight level of fluency that few other teams can match. However, on occasion Arsenal also lull themselves (gently) off to sleep, as if hypnotized by their own mastery. The Gunners made some tremendous but unfruitful efforts, two of which would surely have been candidates for goal of the month. Sunderland organized themselves to defend but the one man up front, Bent, scored a good goal to give his side the game. Wenger's view? - 'A massive setback.'

Birmingham v Fulham - 1:0 - Chances at either end were not converted until Bowyer calmly tapped the ball over the keeper after 16 minutes. Fulham played positively in pouring rain but could not score. All very low key stuff, probably due, at least in part, to the weather.

Burnley v Aston Villa - 1:1- Richard Dunne is having a bad week. First he was amongst those robbed by Henri's 'main de Dieu,' in the World Cup qualifiers. Then he failed to stop Caldwell scoring in the 9th minute, giving Burnley their usual home lead. At one point Jensen came so far off his line his manager thought he'd substituted himself, but he, and Burnley, got away with it. Agbonlahor should have scored ten minutes later but with less than five minutes to spare Heskey muscled his way onto the ball to head a last gasp equalizer.

Hull v West Ham - 3:3 - West Ham started brightly, Franco scoring from a corner after 5 minutes. Collison got another a little afterwards with a quality looping header following a beautiful long cross by Franco. Hull's first goal was also a looping header, but this time by deflection (o/g Cole, off Bullard's free kick). Zayatte got Hull’s second goal two minutes before the break. A dire penalty decision allowed Bullard, who has made a huge difference to Hull, to score from the spot, giving Hull the lead at half time. Mendy was sent off for a foul on Parker with 36 minutes left. Da Costa scored a third in the 69th minute but West Ham should have made Hull pay more dearly. Stanislas should have scored twice more, or at least hit the target, but the game ended in a draw, making this the second time West Ham have gone two up and had to settle for a single point. Zola - 'We are scoring plenty of goals, we just need to focus, to defend our goal a little better.' Which is true, but is much the same as saying ‘if we score more than we let in, we'll win a few games.’

Chelsea v Wolves - 4:0 - Wolves tried, and tried hard, but if you don't have the quality, you won't (as Hansen would have it) put the ball in the back of the net. Malouda has that quality and ambled up the pitch to thump one home from 30 yards after 5 minutes. Essien headed in a corner kick a little later. Kalou might have had a brace, but even with a reduced squad Chelsea were strolling. Wolves repeatedly failed to close down Essien, who got a third. Cech saved well to deny Ebanks-Blake’s header, but that was the only bright moment for Wolves before Joe Cole scored from a well-worked Anelka-inspired lay-off to make it four. Essien nearly got a hat-trick with two nice shots, but Chelsea did need him to. Anelka came off and Kakuta, Chelsea's new (some say illegally signed) French player came on and showed what a prize he is. Worth going to court for! Mick McCarthy’s view - 'We were absolutely mullahed.' McCarthy obviously knows his urban dictionary, which states that to be ‘mullahed’ means; Getting absolutely shoe'd, almost to the point of molestation by a clearly superior force or entity. He was right, Wolves were the oysters at the seafood stall, prised apart and swallowed whole.

Man United v Everton - 3:0 - A great strike by Fletcher arrowed into the back of the net after 35 minutes to give ManU a well-deserved lead. Vidic went to war, as he often does and flattened John Heitinga, who had to go off. Rooney grazed the bar, Owen, who had a good game, was a threat on several occasions and had one or two chances. Carrick passed the ball into the back of the net half-way through the second half to put the game beyond doubt before Scholes made a good chance for Valencia, who took it in the 76th minute. This game was all ManU, with another fine performance by Ryan Giggs. David Moyes - ‘The injuries are there but a manager’s job is to try to get a winning team with whatever you’re given, and at the moment I’m struggling to find that winning team.’ Your Ear believes Everton’s season is largely over, with no Euro place on the cards.

Spurs v Wigan - 9:1 - Your Ear is not sure there’s enough paper (or even electrons) here for a full report. But to keep it brief - Spurs owned the first 35 minutes, that included the running header by Crouch to go one up. It could easily have been more, but Spurs’ failure to score another seemed to take them off the boil and the last ten minutes of the first half were not comfortable from a Spurs’ standpoint as Wigan pressed for an equalizer. As the teams left the pitch, it seemed likely that Wigan’s Martinez was probably the happier manager of the two. It is not certain what St Hal said to his disciples in the dressing room, but he must have sprinkled it with fairy dust, because a brief report of the second half reads as follows; Defoe, great goal (51st), Defoe, great goal, rubbish defending (54th), Scharner, handball à l’Henri, a bad goal (57th), Defoe, hat-trick, great goal (58th), Lennon, neat and tidy goal from a good Crouch layoff, a favour returned (64th), Defoe, (yawn) 4! (69th), Defoe, (ho-hum) 5!! (87th), Bentley, brilliant free kick, that’s 8! (given as o/g, Kirkland, but really Bentley’s) Sir Harry seemed genuinely astonished (88th). Kranjcar wrapped it up with Spurs’ ninth (and final) goal in the third minute of extra time. Given that nine of the match goals were scored in the second half that’s one about every 5 minutes, and much more fun than waiting for a bus. Results like these are rare in top-flight football but St H was honest enough to say that ‘it was a good day and everything went for us.’ He praised Martinez as ‘a fine young manager who will bounce back,’ then ‘Crouchy’, Lennon, and obviously Defoe, but mostly Kranjcar, who, the noble lord said, was ‘top, top class.’ Your Ear thought that Palacios also had a good game. All of Defoe’s goals were top drawer, and only Shearer and Andy Cole have also scored five in a Premiership game. Best of all, Gomes wasn’t tested. Wigan need to bounce back from this most severe kicking when they play Sunderland next week. As a small post script, on MoTD2, Adrian Chiles (Your Ear has listened to it several times and this is definitely what he said) asked Robbie Savage; ‘Does 9:1 flatten Tottenham?’ We think the answer to that is clearly, not! Wishful thinking by the Baggies’ supporter? Lastly, this result might make Mick McCarthy grateful he was only mullahed!

Bolton v Blackburn - 0:2 - David Dunn opened Blackburn’s account with a first time, sweeping shot across the keeper to the far post after running more or less the full length of the pitch. This was after half an hour of end-to-end stuff where Bolton, particularly, might have scored at least twice. In fact, Bolton made more chances for themselves throughout the game, but Ricketts had the misfortune to gift Blackburn their second goal half way through the second half by heading back into an open goal when his keeper, Jussi Jaaskelainen, was running out of the goal area to counter an attack Ricketts had covered. Humorous viewing for Blackburn fans, a nightmare for Bolton, although the second goal did not cause or affect the result.

Stoke v Portsmouth - 1:0 - Portsmouth (Boateng) wasted a penalty opportunity with a weak and wobbly attempt after 9 minutes. O’Hara made a good effort from 40 yards which was saved, and for much of the game Portsmouth looked the better side. Then in the 74th minute Portsmouth old-boy, Fuller, slotted the ball into the corner of the net and won Stoke the game. Despite yet another defeat Your Ear does not see Portsmouth as a poor team, and fully expects their performance to pick up as the season progresses (they have no chance now, just like Arsenal after the last report, which tipped them to win the league - before they lost to Sunderland, of course).

Forecasts Revisited - In an early report (Pub1) Your Ear forecast a couple of absolute certainties, one of which proved not to be so. But in the interests of fair and honest reporting here are the facts;
a) Forecast 1 - that in a mini-league of teams likely to finish highly in the Premiership, Spurs or Arsenal would head the table. Well, here is the table and ManU is top dog at the moment, although the next four teams have two games in hand. Spurs weakness in match play against the other top teams shows why Spurs will be fortunate to achieve a top 4 overall league placement. Arsenal are doing better, and ManU will be hoping the Gunners can stop the Chelsea train in its tracks next weekend. Everton and Liverpool are poor performers by this evaluation.
Pos Played Team Points
1 6 Man Utd 12
2 4 Chelsea 9
3 4 Aston Villa 8
4 4 Arsenal 6
5 4 Man City 5
6 5 Liverpool 4
7 4 Tottenham 3
8 3 Everton 1
b) Forecast 2 - Your Ear also forecast that this would be a high scoring year. After 127 games, a third of the way through the season, some 389 goals have been scored. This is 43 more than was scored in the same number of games last season, an increase of 12.4%, which is not to be sniffed at. Your Ear almost hesitates to point out that a fifth of that excess was scored by the Right Honourable Tottens of Ham over the weekend, but what’s done is done. Overall what does this mean - that 2009/10 will be a goal-fest season, or that from now on many fewer goals will be scored? Your Ear clings to the former view. Here are more interesting, but largely useless, statistics - of the 389 goals scored thus far, some 57% (221) have been scored by the top 8 clubs (the same clubs as in the table above, substituting Sunderland for Everton) whilst only 31% (121) have been scored against them. So, unsurprisingly, the top clubs score more goals than they concede, roughly on a 2:1 basis. At the other end of the table the bottom 8 clubs, which includes Everton, have scored 109 goals for (28%) and have suffered 187 against (48%). Finally, only the top 8 clubs currently have a positive goal difference, all other teams are in deficit. Enough of this trivia.

News Roundup - In a week when a strand of Elvis's hair sold for over £1,000 at auction, when Britain was blasted by 100mph gales, and when a crumb of bread caused the Hadron Collider to be shut down for a second time (some say the crumb was a bit of baguette dropped by a seagull, but Your Ear was told that the offending morsel was, in fact, ‘un gros pain, un gros, gros pain,’ which then became almost as true in the English sense as in the French. And, from the sceptics point of view, it was dropped by a very, very, wise owl), we turn to the orient for news.

News From Japan (to keep us in perspective) - Blues To Curb Platform Suicides - Tokyo train operators, concerned at a rise in suicides at rail stations, are bathing platforms in blue light in an attempt to calm passengers. ‘Some people thought we were going to play Blues music,’ said a spokesperson. ‘But we felt this might cause more people to jump.’ Tuna Crisis Averted - On Tuesday fisheries minister Hirotaka Akamatsu dispelled public concerns fuelled by an international tuna conservation body’s decision to cut the annual tuna catch, as the recession has provided Japan with ample stocks of frozen tuna. But if a problem arises no doubt more ‘research’ could be undertaken. Obama Bow Outrage - Recent photos of President Obama in Japan bowing deeply to Emperor Akihito have incensed Washington critics, who are weighing whether or not the president disgraced his own country. ‘Can’t see what all the hoo-hah is about,’ said a spokesperson. ‘The pres was just picking up a pin he’d dropped.’ PM In Chart Bid - Japan's hit chart could soon be topped by Yukio Hatoyama, the Japanese Prime Minster, after his 1989 album Take Heart was re-released. Tokyo Beats Paris In Food Stakes - With 11 3-star Michelin restaurant ratings Tokyo now outdoes Paris, which has only 10. The 2010 edition of the Michelin guide for Tokyo also lists 42 2-star and 144 1-star restaurant ratings, showing the high quality of food in the Japanese capital. It is rumoured that at least one crazed, patriotic Frenchman is en route east with bottled flies in his luggage (to sabotage the soup).

Japanese Story Of The Week - Solar Power To Be Beamed To Earth - Japan proposes to collect ‘free’ solar power in space before transmitting it to Earth using laser beams or microwaves. The fuel-poor island nation's government has selected researchers and companies to deliver the multi-billion yen dream of unlimited clean energy by 2030. Scare-monger stories of flocks of migrating birds foolish enough to fly through active energy fields raining down on the populace after being microwaved are ill-founded, say government sources. However, KFC are keeping a careful eye on developments. They hope to deliver chickens equipped with electro-prods and sat nav chips to customers who have ordered a takeaway by zapping fly-by-wire poultry over the appropriate front doorsteps. ‘It should save on mopeds,’ a spokesperson said. ‘And the food will be fresh.’ Chinese ‘duck-away’ restaurants are also reported to be interested.

Football Headlines – Hammerette Lingerie - Katy Perry, girlfriend of Hammers fan Russell Brand, has popularised West Ham colours and badges (and underwear) by sporting a basque in claret and blue at the MTV Europe Music Awards this month. By popular demand West Ham then offered a limited edition of the outfit, planning to sell the item as a potential Christmas present for fans’ wives. However, the men queuing up for the supportive, snug corsets (particularly those with bad backs and others wishing to get in touch with their feminine side) are looking for the larger sizes. ‘They keep you warm on the terraces,’ said a satisfied customer, ‘and at only 300 squid a go, they’re bargainous.’ Secret England Squad? - Following England’s recent 1:0 defeat by Brazil, Fabio Capello says he has another, better squad of players available to him (and England) for the World Cup, but (other than Rooney) he won’t say who they are. ‘Today we send out our little team and next time we gonna put out our big team,’ he said. Meanwhile, bookies put England at 3:1 to exit the World cup at the quarter-finals stage. Rooney To Captain England Again - England’s loss to Brazil will not prevent Wayne Rooney from leading out his side in future matches, said a spokesperson for Mr Capello. ‘As he challenges most decisions, whether they involve him or not, it’s better if Wayne is captain so he can shout at referees with less risk of being sent off.’ Ferguson misquoted - when he was reported as saying (before the match) that Everton are big girls blouses on Easy Street, what he actually said was that Everton are a bunch of losers and easy meat.

The Ear – all the news that's fit to spout.