Premiership round up - Week 9

Aston Villa v Chelsea - 2:1 - A great long range strike by Drogba against the run of play put Chelsea ahead. Dunne equalized from a corner (off an unfortunate Lampard). This was followed by much pacing up and down the sideline by O'Neil. Villa and Chelsea have the toughest defences to crack in the Premiership. Today Villa's was the more organized. Brad Freidel also had a good game. Chelsea were undone (again) by a set piece, and Collins put Villa ahead, while Terry fumed (again). Carew should have made it three. There is a strong sense of resilience and determination about Villa and Agbonlahor is beginning to look more like a senior player than a junior. After the game O'Neil claimed that Villa should have had a penalty, but was smugly content with the result. Ancelotti said; ‘I'm not angry, I'm disappointed we lost the game.’ Given that on average about a quarter of all games end in a draw about 3 managers in 8 say that every week.

Sunderland v Liverpool - 1:0 - Liverpool were sporting their faintly ridiculous semi-flesh-coloured away strip. It did not augur well. Sunderland (celebrating their 130th anniversary) had not scored against Liverpool for over 9 hours, but they soon put this right when Bent got a good goal, in-off a giant red balloon lying on the pitch! Liverpool should have no complaints, the balloon was put there by one of their fans. (Ed. - It should have been a drop ball, not a goal). Boring. In any case, Bent should have had at least two more. Rafael Benitez did his usual off-pitch mime act (that no one understands, but it seems to include a ball, at least it might be a ball…). Sunderland fans were apoplectic at the 7 minutes of extra time, but their team held on. There were sideline handbags between Rafa and Steve Bruce over alleged time wasting towards the end but they shook hands after the game. As Your Ear has said before - no Gerrard or Torres = no result. Like Ancelotti, Rafa was also ‘disappointed’. I imagine Sunderland had a good night out.

Man Utd v Bolton - 2:1 - Owen forced an own goal (Knight) after 5 minutes and Berbatov should have made it two, then three for United. Both Davies and Taylor might have equalized (but didn't). Valencia competently scored his first for ManU without any fuss just before half time. Bolton were only in it for the last 15 minutes, but when Taylor halved the gap his team woke up and applied good pressure for the rest of the game. For once ManU were not so happy with time added (4 minutes), but although Bolton came close Van de Saar secured United's victory. Giggs commented afterwards that '2:0 is always dangerous score,' Not as dangerous as 1:0 or 0:0, Ryan!

Portsmouth v Spurs - 1:2 - St Hal’s reception, on returning to his old club, was mild. Gomez was preferred to Cudicini, which, as usual where Gomez is concerned, is risky business. However, he made several good saves, including one from a deflected free kick he had helped give away in the first place. Defoe missed (off the post) within minutes of the start, then Dindane missed a golden opportunity. Ledley King, of all people, scored a solid header for Spurs in the 29th minute. Defoe poked a very good Jenas cross into the net to make it two just before half time. An amazed Dindane missed another sitter before Boateng, who had been making huge efforts, got one back for the home side. Two players were sent off, Defoe, the daft idiot, for stamping, and Portsmouth's Brown (both playing against their former employers). Oh well, maybe Crouch will get a start, for a change. Portsmouth were bloody but unbowed. Your Ear still thinks they will survive demotion. Afterwards we were privileged to hear the words of St Hal; 'It was a good day, the crowd were fantastic, I thought. And Portsmouth played well, we was 'angin on for grim life. They pummelled us, and kept coming, and kept making attack after attack, but we rode our luck a bit and managed to survive and ‘ang on for the win.' Some have ridiculed Sir Harry for his choice of words, he should have said ‘hanging on for dear life,’ or ‘hung on like grim death,’ they say. What do ‘they’ know? Such wisdom is rarely heard elsewhere.

Arsenal v Birmingham - 3:1 - This was the first start of the season for Walcott, but a crunching tackle brought him down right at the start of the game. No problem, shortly after he nearly scored the goal of the year, but it was Van Persie's masterful control and finishing that opened Arsenal's account. Within two minutes Arsenal (Diaby) had scored again, Bowyer grabbed one back 7 minutes before half time. Arsenal failed to make the most of a dubious 'pass back to the keeper'' decision and Birmingham should have scored at the other end. Arshavin calmed Arsenal's nerves, and passed the ball into the corner of the net to restore Arsenal's two goal lead, Diaby might have made Arsenal’s total four, but the game ended on a flat note, at least for Birmingham. Arsene was obviously pleased with the result and commented (with a big grin) that the league is perhaps more open than some people thought. He might be right, too.

Stoke v West Ham - 2:1 - The Hammers gave away a stupid penalty (and a goal to Beattie) in the 11th minute. Twenty minutes or so later Upson equalized. But Beattie scored a very calm goal (considering he was sliding along the ground in two-man bobsleigh fashion with a defender at the time) for the winner. Another loss for West Ham and Zola was ‘not 'appy.’ There seems to be lots going on behind closed doors at Boleyn Ground (aka Upton Park) but Your Ear predicts that Thames Ironworks FC, sorry, caught in a time-warp, West Ham FC will still finish the season in the top half of the table.

Wigan v Man City - 1:1 - Wigan last lost at home to Man City over 11 years ago and have kept that going for another year. Wigan have beaten Chelsea and should have had a depleted Man City in this game – they are well organized, and play well going forward or defending, and are generally beginning to look like giant killers. Rodallega can certainly hit them and can also provide, as he did for N'Zogbia who scored right on half time. Petrov levelled it as soon as the 2nd half started and it began to look like City's day, but then a rather constipated-looking Mark Hughes watched with a pained expression as City were reduced to 10 men (Zabaleta, two yellows). Roberto Martinez, Wigan's manager, did not feel City losing a man helped Wigan. Sparky disagreed. City should have had a penalty but Your Ear feels City's best tactic would have been to hypnotize Adebayor, suggesting to him that he was playing against Arsenal again. That would have got him going.

Everton v Wolves - 1:1 - All the early chances fell to Everton. None were taken. In the second half Wolves (Doyle) sneaked a goal to go ahead. An unmarked Russian with a long name, Bilyaletdinov, scored his first goal for Everton. And he'll never get an easier one, Wolves' defence was non-existent. Despite chances at either end the game ended even-stevens. Wolves' Maierhofer - a 6'7" former chef, known as 'the neck', was sent off for a second yellow having run across Howard, Everton's goalkeeper. He was a little unlucky and Howard was fortunate only to receive a yellow for his retaliation (he grabbed ‘the neck’s’ neck).

Blackburn v Burnley - 3:2 - A midlands derby, some 43 years have elapsed since the last top-flight meeting between these two bitter enemies. It was all go. Blake scored a great goal for Burnley in the first 5 minutes, and Dunn balanced the scales within 4 minutes. Diouf missed one, but Di Santo scored Blackburn's second goal 12 minutes later following a keeping cock-up - after many good ones Jensen had a bad day for Burnley today. Chimbonda scored for Blackburn again just before half time. The second half was goal-less but frenetic until the 2nd minute of injury time, when Eagles got Burnley's second goal. There followed a nervous minute or two for Blackburn. But Burnley just can't get it together when not at home - that's 17 away goals conceded now. Big Sam's ‘listen with mother’ post-match analysis was; 'It didn't look comfortable after 5 minutes, certainly got a little more comfortable after it went to 1:1, and then got excited to 2:1, then ecstatic at 3:1, and I calmed the players down at half time and said, y'know, the bottom line, lads, is if Burnley don't score we've won this game!' He wasn't quite right - Burnley did score but Blackburn were 2 up, so they won anyway. Managers who can’t count to 3 - what if it was cricket!

Fulham v Hull - 2:0 - This was the first real 'winter' game of the year, with supporters wrapped in scarves. Hull have conceded 10 goals in their last two Premiership matches. And they have won just one away game in 2009 - at Fulham in March! They could not repeat that effort tonight. It was slow stuff for the first 35 minutes, then a shot on goal, then more slow stuff (except for a couple of bookings). Zamora scored just before the half ended. The Tigers claws were drawn 20 minutes into the second half when Zamora's cross was touched in at the far post by Diomansy Kamara for his first league goal of the season. Hull thought Kamara was offside, but the goal was given. Fulham dominated most of the rest of the game and can now also start to celebrate their 130th anniversary.

National Headlines (to keep us in perspective) - Poles Sign Lisbon Treaty - Leaving the Czech Republic the sole country yet to ratify the controversial European Union reform plan. Rumour has it that Tory strategists hope the Czechs will sign up quickly. This would save the Tories from having to hold a UK referendum (as promised) if the treaty remains unratified when (and if) the Tories are elected. Cartoon Character Makes November Cover Of Playboy - ‘The Simpsons’ 20th anniversary was honoured earlier this year with a set of US postal stamps. Now Scott Flanders, recently-recruited Playboy Enterprises’ chief executive, said that his magazine’s cover and centrefold of Marge Simpson, blue bee-hived matriarch of America's beloved dysfunctional family, was 'somewhat tongue-in-cheek.' 'We thought it would be kind of hip, cool and unusual,' he added, underlining through his choice of language how un-hip, warm and banal the ailing magazine has become. But the outstanding question is whether young Scott is related to god-fearing Simpson neighbour, Ned Flanders. The black sheep of the family, perhaps? Boxer Makes Strange Discovery - Francia Elena Bravo had a big surprise at the weigh-in for her world title clash against WBC super flyweight world champion, Ana Maria Torres, when a mandatory pregnancy test found she was pregnant. The WBC wishes Bravo the best of luck on ‘her beautiful motherhood journey’, a statement read. Gordon Brown has hospital eye tests - Following examinations at Moorfields Eye Hospital, surgeons found that Mr Brown's retina had two minor tears. They were anxious to explain that these were small rents and not, as reported by some observers, that Gordon had shed one tear for the economy, and the other for his political future. Berlusconi's Daughter Says Fine Hurts Holding Co. - Marina Berlusconi, head of her father’s holding company Fininvest, said a court order to pay €750m (£680m) in damages to a rival (for bribing a judge to make a ruling in Berlusconi's favour) put the company at risk. In 2007 Berlusconi (73), was cleared of criminal responsibility in the case, the charges having elapsed under Italy's statute of limitations. 'Viva Italia, viva Berlusconi,' said Italy's finest. Embezzler Wins Lottery - Paul Lyle, a 53 year old from Kansas, won the state lottery whilst awaiting trial. Mr Lyle eventually pleaded guilty to embezzling $88,000 from his employer to support his addiction to scratch-off lottery tickets. His $96,000 prize will be used to repay the stolen money. Now, that’s providence in action for you.

National Headline of the Week - Government Tries To Suppress Gray Defence Report - which said that 'incompetence is helping enemies who are unlikely to wait for our sclerotic acquisition systems to catch up.’ 'We understand 'incompetence' only too well, but we don't know what 'sclerotic' means,' said a government spokesperson. 'It's not fair, using words only one in a hundred (unless they are of a medical bent) would understand.' Sclerotic (adjective) definition: palsied or crippled, synonyms: arthritic, atonic, debilitated, disabled, diseased, helpless, neurasthenic, paralytic, paralysed, rheumatic, shaky, sick, trembling, weak. Antonyms: healthy, steady. Seems like Britain's defence procurement is on its last legs, and trembly, palsied, atonic ones at that.

Football Headlines - Unborn Baby To Be Nominated As Footballer Of The Year - 'Well, it might be, one day,' said proud dad. 'If it's a boy, of course. After all, if President Obama can be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize five minutes after being elected I think it's sensible to get my boy's name down on the list early.' Pope To Fast-track Canonization Of Redknapp - 'I am persuaded that this man has led a holy, blameless life, that he can work miracles and that he already walks on water. Come on, you Spurs,' says Pontiff. Hull Manager To Keep Players In Detention - Phil Brown banned his players from the club restaurant and took the plug off the coffee machine after they lost 6-1 at Anfield. Despite the win at Wigan Brown now says Hull is playing so badly he will make his team stay behind after any matches they lose. 'No going home to mum for their tea,' he added, 'they will remain at the ground, home or away, and write out 1000 times, 'we will stay up, we will stay up,' or words to that effect.' Arsene Wenger Dons New Spectacles - 'Everything has suddenly become clear. I did not know we played in red,' admits Frenchman.

Football Story Of The Week - FA To Reform Premiership On Regional Basis - A spokesperson said; 'Soccer has been criticized for contributing to global warming. As a result we first examined London, where there are plenty of high-standard clubs. A London-based league would enable supporters to go to every match, home or away, using the bus or tube, thus reducing football's consumption of fossil fuels.' When asked about non-London leagues the spokesperson added; 'We also looked hard at other parts of the country. So far we have found the quality of football to be so diluted we cannot see the point in continuing.' When pressed by Your Faithful Ear on whether this dissolution would exclude Premiership champions, Manchester United, the spokesperson commented; 'In particular, we have decided to ban Manchester United. As none of its fans live locally this club is particularly likely to contribute to the planet's destruction.' Amen to that.

The Ear – all the news that's fit to spout.